Suddenly-besieged presidential candidate GARY BAUER, the lizard-eyed longshot and family researcher who till now had mounted a surprisingly on-message effort to woo the GOP morality wing, became completely unglued last night (September 29) on FNC's "Hannity & Colmes" where he'd come to deny what he claimed were weeks-long whisperings of an affair with a young aide, reportedly floated by chief rightish rival, billion-heir STEVE FORBES.  Bauer's former campaign manager CHARLIE JARVIS, who bolted a fortnight ago for the Forbes camp, also appeared and described Bauer's "hours and hours and hours of closed door meetings with a young female staffer" which left the rest of the Bauer staff "very very concerned and demoralized," with nine out of 25 walking and more soon to go. 

Bauer declined to finger Forbes directly but sure seemed awfully hostile: Completely from left field and apropos of nothing, he lashed out at Forbes for keeping on his yacht (or, for all we know, on one of his many yachts) art by ROBERT MAPPLETHORPE, whom Bauer identified as "the gay activist artist who had a cross in a jar of urine." 

Right then, Bauer extinguished any little regard we may have accorded him for trying to syphon off Pat Buchanan's anti-trade support. 

First of all, Robert Mapplethorpe never put a cross in a jar of urine, he was a photographer, not a sculptor or installation artist, you twit. You're crediting him with ANDRÉS SERRANO's "Piss Christ" because it too was part of a minimally NEA-funded exhibit that won JESSE HELMS' creaking, crotchety wrath a while back. A perfectly understandable mistake, but it marks you for a dolt nonetheless. Glad to know that someone's stepped forward to pick up DAN QUAYLE's slack. 

Now, of course, none of this means that Robert Mapplethorpe didn't have a cross in a jar of urine, perhaps one that wasn't part of his artwork; you know, sort of a personal cross in a jar of urine, but, if so, I'd like to know how Mr. Bauer knows about it. 

Also, Mr. Bauer, are you calling Mapplethorpe a gay "activist" for any reason other than the fact that he was gay, and some of his work supposedly included homoerotic content? We just poked around on the web, and nobody called him a gay activist, and they didn't need to qualify the 'artist' appellation, like you did.  Just 'cause someone presumes to breathe the same air as you doesn't mean they're necessarily promoting some kind of "agenda," you know. 

Bauer also labeled the sex rumors "outrageous, evil and sick," which troubled us, as "sick" has never been very high up on our list of terms to describe a little huffin' 'n' puffin' between consenting adults. 

And our current take on Bauer? NED FLANDERS with a nasty edge and none of the endearing okely-dokely, hoist on his own demean-our-base-urges petard.   

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