THE WITZELSUCHT MEMORANDUM
WIT MEMO SEZ: Don't Question Authority -- AVOID it!
ISSUE 29: Week of Early November. Thanksgiving will be on us like a knife in the back before we can get out of the way!!
SCORE ONE FOR THE MARKS
WIT MEMO would like to send a special congrats and a tip o'the hat rack to former pro wrestler and dismissed-as-a-crackpot candidate JESSE "THE BODY" VENTURA, who, as just about anybody who hasn't been hiding in a remote Montana cabin the last few days knows, snatched the Minnesota governor's chair from his two more heavily favored, big-money, big-party rivals.
As a long time devotee of PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING (or, as WIT MEMO reader PAT C. in Pittsburgh is wont to call it, "BIG-TIME WRESTLING"), we jumped clean out of our chair Tuesday night and positively cheered the news of The Body's come-from-behind victory (before collapsing back into our chair, exhausted from the effort of jumping clean out of it and positively cheering). We've been a fan of Mr. Ventura for quite some time now, and this was absolutely his finest moment since that time in '79 or '80 when he sucker-punched IVAN "POLISH POWER" PUTSKI during an arm-wrestling match staged on a Saturday morning wrestling program.
Back then, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, flamboyant, pink-tighted, boa-wearing bad guy, despised by the fans, had, over the course of several weeks, used his part-time position of TV wrestling announcer -a role that showcased the considerable mike skills that were to serve him so well in his gubernatorial campaign- to needle and insult the popular Mr. Putski, questioning the Polish Power's strength, intelligence, and ring abilities. The public harassment culminated in a challenge to a contest of arm wrestling to determine who was the stronger man.
Picture the scene: the two proud combatants facing each other seated across a table that had been placed in the center of the wrestling ring especially for the occasion (strange equipment for a pro wrestling venue, indeed!); the striped-shirted referee flitting about uncertainly, as though unsure how undertake this new responsibility that was such a far cry from his normal job of ensuring that the wrestling matches are on the up-and-up. Mr. Putski was fairly boiling with anger after several weeks' worth of castigation, yet he still attempted to playfully psych Jesse out several times by pulling his hand away from Mr. Ventura's at the last second just as the contest was about to begin. Then, finally, the two powerful men were locked in their grips, and the battle was joined! What a contest!
It was even at first as both men strained and grunted; we've all been told in recent days of the governor-elect's size and strength, but he had a formidable opponent in the Polish Power, who, though a head shorter than the 6'4" Ventura, was one of the original big-muscled, cut-like-an-afro bodybuilder powerhouses in wrestling, and one of the biggest names of his time, having demolished countless opponents with his devastating "Polish Hammer." The tension was unbearable as neither man gave way, the muscles bulging and quivering on their massive shoulders and tree-trunk-like arms, yet those arms remaining seemingly motionless and upright, the immovable force meeting the irresistible object. Then, gradually, as subtly as the movement of the minute hand of a clock, the Polish Power began to give way, his arm forced down, slowly, inch by inch, as The Body poured it on! Jesse was winning! But it was a mistake to count the Polish Power out too soon, as literally hundreds of battered and bloodied wrestlers had learned the hard way over the years. As in his wrestling matches, Ivan Putski reached deep down inside himself, and tapped the reserve of strength that had carried the day so many times before. With an incredible exertion he drew his arm back up, back to the even point, back to where they'd started, and then began inexorably turning the tide! Little by little, he started putting The Body's arm down! Jesse struggled, but to no avail. He was weakening! Putski forced Ventura's arm down further and further, till it was only inches from the table! This was it! Victory for Putski seemed only moments away! And then . . . and then . . . Jesse grabbed the folding chair from underneath himself with his free hand and brought it down on the unsuspecting Putski's head and shoulders with terrific force. Whhaaang!! Ca--raccK! Putski was knocked out of his chair and thudded heavily to the canvas; Jesse sent the hapless referee sprawling with a flick of his arm and upended the table on top of the prostrate Polish Power. Then, he starting putting the leather to him. He really put the boots to him. And for good measure he dragged him to the ring apron, and delivered a series of huge elbow drops across Putski's windpipe from outside the ring. Before the broadcast sequence ended, the victorious Ventura took time to laugh, mug, and pose for the camera. It was a sweet, delicious moment, one that we'll always treasure. Putski, despite recovering from the savage beating remarkably quickly, in that way that only pro wrestlers with their extraordinary conditioning can, was never quite the same after that, while The Body went on to movie roles and political triumph. Our hats are off to you, Governor!
And remember: That election was real. As real as pro wrestling. As the French philosopher and essayist ROLAND BARTHES wrote, "Each moment in wrestling is therefore like an algebra which instantaneously unveils the relationship between a cause and its represented effect." ("Mythologies," 1957).
AHEAD OF THE CURVE YET AGAIN
First Week of October: WIT MEMO profiles that guy who stands outside the Vatican Embassy across from the Naval Observatory with the sign that says "MY LIFE WAS RUINED BY A CATHOLIC PEDOPHILE PRIEST."
October 28: The WASHINGTON CITY PAPER -which is chock-a-block full of secret WIT MEMO fans- runs a piece on the sign guy. Coincidence?
THIS MONSTER'LL DESTROY US ALL!
ONE OF THE MOST important and eagerly awaited events in the bizness world is THE BUREAU OF LABOR STATISTICS' release of the quarterly unemployment statistics . . . or so claimed NPR in its November 5 broadcast of "All Things Considered."
The release has long occurred at a widely-publicized, regularly scheduled time and date by the BLS press office; but more recently they've tried something new: some egghead at the BLS -probably a contractor- got the bright idea of posting the figures simultaneously on the BLS website. So what happens? According to NPR, someone screwed the pooch and posted the figures on the web a day early, causing God-knows-what panic and upheaval among economists and their ilk (check with NPR, I wasn't too clear on this part of the broadcast) -and you know what a hot-blooded and temperamental lot THEY are!
What have we gotten ourselves into? This new technology may SEEM beneficial enough when it comes to harmless diversions like downloading cum shots and trading bomb recipes . . . but we'll be singing a different tune when it wheels around and bites use all in the ass! We've said it before and we'll say it again: that damn-blasted "web" will be the death of us all!!
HOW DID THEY MAKE IT SO SWANK??
WAS that WIT MEMO seen altering some particularly offensive motel-room artwork late at night with ultra-cool neo lounge band COMBUSTIBLE EDISON after their bravura tour-kickoff performance at Columbus, Ohio's KAHIKI -the most magnificent and swank Tiki bar, lounge, and supper club in all of God's creation? We ain't sayin'!!
COMING SOON: HOLIDAY IN AMSTERDAM, and, LOVE LAST SEEN BEING LOADED ONTO SEALED BOXCAR HEADED FOR THE EASTERN FRONT.
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