THE WITZELSUCHT MEMORANDUM "Carrying water for the One World Government since 1987!" From Snap Pop! - ISSUE 44: August '99, and it's here just in time! Your handy, printable, downloadable, pull-out WIT MEMO GUIDE TO THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES
PASS the MAKER'S MARK and let the freak show begin: It's Presidential primary season, the quadrennial, cash-frenzied, year-and-a-half-long debasement that succeeds only in justifying America's embarrassingly low voter turnout and proving half that old adage that our system of government leaves a lot to be desired but is still the best one going. This time round the rare concomitance of DOW-boom bucks and lack of an incumbent has elicited a bumper crop of egomaniacal buffoons, stiffs, dolts, windbags and four-flushers, like toadstools after a summer rain. Though it's a dead certainty that one of the following jokers who've tossed their propeller beanie caps into the ring will be our next President, even the most cursory glance at their credentials will convince anyone who doesn't want to be branded a total hypocrite that, by any rights, none of them should stand any chance whatsoever:
GEORGE W. BUSH
Has plenty of the biggest qualification for office, money. What sounded like an explosion in DC the last week o'June wasn't early Independence Day fireworks but the collective spit-takes of Clinton-Gore, Inc. when the Bush campaign released its fund-raising totals. GOPers desperate for good news after successive shellackings by the Man from Hope have fallen on George-the-Younger like a starving dog on road kill. They shouldn't be in such a rush. Looks good only in comparison to his public-pukin', sentence-choppin' Dad, who musta made Yale alum cringe every time he strayed from the prepared text. A master of what GEORGE ADE called the Glittering Generality, he'll do anything to avoid staking out a position, which must bug the hell out of his competition who continue to sink like stones despite all their family-values, tax-cut gimcrackery. His strategy so far has been to say as little as possible, a wise idea since the few times he's wagged his gums he's shown real promise at Quaylean gaffes but with a nasty edge, like his sarcastic, mincing impression of death row inmate Karla Faye Tucker pleading for her life. Plays on both sides of the abortion fence and endorsed "abstinence education" over sex education, advising America's youth to remain chaste prior to "biblical marriage." Asked how he reconciles this stance with his wild, rich-boy, sixties/seventies youth, during which he probably got more ass than a toilet seat, he referred obliquely to "mistakes," as though he actually regrets all that tail! George Dubuya, you lie like a rug! He must know he's peaked way too early, as a restless press shows signs of turning on him like an inbred Chow, they're already showing their impatience with his trademark refusal to answer the C question. Look for stories on unseemly environmental doings and sweetheart deals that make HILLARY CLINTON'S vaunted commodities profit look like a scratch lottery ticket. But the overriding reason to withhold your vote is . . . he doesn't drink. Not a drop. Once quite the tosspot, he quit cold turkey when he turned 40. We're still reeling from the effects of a President who couldn't handle pussy; do we really need to lurch right from that to one who can't hold his liquor? It's for precisely those reasons that, when you think about it, this guy really has no chance of getting elected President.
Question: When Clinton was playing spin-the-bottle with Chinese influence peddlers, where was Al Gore? He was at home. In his own bed. With his own wife. And there's his schtick: He's monumentally dull and promises a blessed respite from the shagging shenanigans of the Horn Dog-in-Chief. But lately things haven't been going according to script. His boss shoots him in the foot with public campaign "advice," AIDS activists hector his campaign stops but spare his right-wing rivals, he's been utterly trounced at fund raising by George W, who apparently didn't need to break out the KY for Fu Manchu, and now Bill Bradley's looking to upset his apple cart. Eerie roboticism masks unctuous phoniness and what HUNTER THOMPSON described in HUBERT HUMPHREY as "blue-balls lust for the presidency." COURTNEY LOVE's been telling the story that Gore told her he loved her music but, when challenged, couldn't name a single song (you KNOW Clinton coulda pulled it off, or at least made Ms. Hole not care). Plenty haven't forgiven wife TIPPER for her PMRC anti-rock inquisition and its hearings at which Congressmen made fools of themselves trying to dress down FRANK ZAPPA. WIT MEMO is utterly confounded by a gal pal who considers Gore a "sexy hunk," but then it takes all kinds of nuts to make a Christmas fruitcake. Fact is, Vice Presidents never get promotions, unless they hit the Powerball jackpot and end up with Taxachusetts governor MICHAEL DUKAKIS for competition. Though he may have been the odds-on favorite a year ago, it's pretty clear now that this guy doesn't stand a serious chance of becoming President.
George W. with lacquered helmet hair, Lamar Alexander with different plumbing. There's not much we can say about "Liddy," 'cause no one knows very much about her . . . and that's just how she wants it. The most enduring image of Pfizer's First Beneficiary was her surreal Oprah/Sally Jesse turn at the 96 convention, when she waded into the audience with a microphone and scripted feel-good homilies. Can't even win the endorsement of her husband, who proposed giving money to John McCain before being bound and gagged and trundled away for the duration in the trunk of her limo. Has already backed away from the anti-gun stance she oddly took in a speech before unreceptive GOPers, and secretly hopes the press won't look too hard at her Red Cross stewardship. The installation of deck-mounted brake lights in passenger cars she oversaw in her Cabinet days will be remembered as her greatest achievement. A woman may indeed stand a chance of getting elected President, but there's just no way in the world it's her.
The Ultimate Richie Rich boy, with all of his legendary dad's lucre but none of the panache. Ran last time on one issue, his Flat Tax snake oil, remarkable mostly for scuttling the cherished mortgage interest deduction and not taxing investment income, so that the trust-fund bonus-baby raking in millions in inheritance interest pays less tax than the forty-grand-a-year mailman who delivers his checks (if he's wised up on that chicanery, lemme know). That one-note dog didn't hunt, so now he's reinvented himself as Freddy Family Values. Wacko, serial-killer grin and shock-therapy eyes limit his appeal. His endorsement by "moral majority" inventor PAUL WEYRICH was a sure kiss of death, given Weyrich's recent concession that the majority are no longer moral. And as if the world hasn't gone crazy enough, blonde neocon harridan ANN COULTER has declared Forbes the "sexiest" candidate, shedding unwitting light on her GEORGE magazine kvetching that she can't get a date in DC. For those unsettling reasons alone, this guy stands no chance of ever becoming President.
Our National Laughingstock, more universally regarded as a moron than anyone else in contemporary American life, and no one deserves it more. Fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down. A fond look back at his timeless "potatoe" gaffe illuminates the full breadth and scope of his stupidity: he not only misspelled the word, -by itself no big deal, even WIT MEMO gets one wrong once in a while- but he squared and cubed that offense by failing to recognize the correct spelling when it was staring him right in his PAT SAJAK-lookin' face, and then by breathing fresh life into MARK TWAIN's old adage that it's better to say nothing and let people think you a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. Since then we've had to suffer his pouting conviction that his selfish refusal to crawl under a rock and die of shame entitles him to serious consideration. And he's been at it again: First, while trying to pin the Columbine High School massacre on separation of church and state, he asserted that Trenchcoat mafiaosi would've been sent to the principal's office if they'd attended class bearing THE BIBLE instead of Nazi salutes, blithely ignoring the widely-reported fact that victim CASSIE BERNALL routinely carried a bible with her at school. And after George W. acknowledged the existence of global warming, Quayle complained on a TV talk show -a venue clearly not his strong suit- that "I was surprised the other day, though, that [Bush] said that he is now for global warming" -- as though Bush had come out in favor of global warming! His free pass from the media on these and other gaffes proves that his stupidity is so taken for granted that it's lost its humorous appeal. And he just doesn't get it. He's so far gone that he actually cites his war of words with a fictional TV character as his Finest Moment. It's without gainsaying that this guy has absolutely no chance of getting elected President.
Ever have one of those bad dreams where you can't run from Frankenstein because your legs won't work? That's how Al Gore must feel every time he looks over his shoulder and sees the towering, ponderous ex-hoopster lumbering after him. Just when Al's made being boring an asset along comes the only guy who can out-bore Gore. But Bradley really is boring, and for his all his Rhodes-scholar smarts, comes across a goofball in personal appearances, witness his attempt at humor on JAY LENO. Easy to forget he's the same guy who went on more paid junkets than just about anyone else in the Senate. You only need to watch him plodding away on the campaign trail to grasp that he stands no chance of ever getting elected President.
Founder of the hyper-right "Family Research Council" that wants to get government out of the workplace and into our bedrooms and makes the Christian Coalition look like NAMBLA's Satanist Auxiliary. Deciding whether to support Bauer boils down to a simple question: Do you envision America as a fundamentalist religious republic, THE TALIBAN meets BRANSON, MISSOURI? And as if that's not enough, he's got those weird lizard eyes. Thankfully, he has no chance of becoming President in any nation where separation of church and state is decreed by law.
What's to say about the only candidate whom conservative demigod WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY, JR. said he couldn't defend against charges of antisemitism, except to bring up his legendary homophobia and fear of the "new world order?" Just plain bugged that the goodness and bounty of this land have been enjoyed by people who don't believe in his god. An inside-the-beltway child of privilege who passes himself off as a populist outsider, he's always made his living as a barnacle on the rusting hull of the ship of state. On the positive side, he surely merits Algonquin Roundtable membership for his '92 campaign remark that he wouldn't debate Dan Quayle because he refused to take part in child abuse. He's smart enough to know better than anyone else that he stands no chance whatsoever of becoming our President. One President Buchanan was enough.
A shape-changing, bit-playing, high-office wannabe, his campaign stinks of the grave. In a dead-to-rights omen that he'll soon be out of our misery, he cut costs by laying off two top staffers right after they relocated to DC . . . and this at the same time that Bush needs extra help just to tote around all the cash that's been pouring in. Last time out he never recovered from AL FRANKEN's quip that his "ABC" slogan -Alexander Beats Clinton- really meant Awfully Bad Campaign (only a lifelong bureaucrat would choose an acronym for his slogan). This time he's ditched the red plaid shirt that drew hoots and howls in favor of the power suits he's more comfortable in anyway, and steered clear of slogans that might insult even the electorate's intelligence. May have already quit the race by the time you read this, depending on the severity of his deserved cornholing in the Iowa "straw poll." If this guy has said anything that plenty others haven't said earlier and better, we'd sure like to know about it. Barring that, he's got no chance of getting elected President of anything. LATE FLASH: He's outta there!!
The longtime Utah Senator admits it'd take a "miracle" to win the GOP nod, so why bother? But one Hatch moment bears recalling: The CLARENCE THOMAS hearings, when Hatch, reading aloud portions of the U.S. District Court's opinion in Carter v. Sedgwick County, the infamous LONG DONG SILVER case, couldn't bring himself to speak the word "pussy" -he stammered and apologized, calling it an offensive word not meant for mixed company- but had no problem whatsoever reciting "nigger," which also appeared in the case. That must say something about the man, but we're not exactly sure what. In any event, he's pretty much told you himself that he stands no chance whatsoever of being elected President.
POW-War Hero credentials inoculate this "Maverick" (read: Loose Cannon) from criticism by skittish rivals, but scratch hard and stand back: McCain's famous for thin skin and fat rages at anyone nervy enough to dick around with his strange pet causes, like cramming more flights into tiny National Airport. Not the most scintillating wit, he once called CHELSEA CLINTON ugly on account of having been fathered by JANET RENO. Given that he's described campaign fund raising as "an influence-peddling scheme" and "selling the country to the highest bidder," it doesn't take an Alexander De Toke-Ville to realize that the fat cats of both parties will do whatever is necessary to make sure that this guy has no chance of ever becoming President.
Bob Smith for President?!? Who? John Smith? John Doe? Bob Doe? Bob Dole? Oh, sure, he can be President. Aside from the fact that nobody's heard of him, his state paper won't take him seriously, he's elected to wear a comb over of truly awe-inspiring breadth (what ELSE does he think he's hiding from us?), and he strikingly resembles the kind corrupt windbag politicians that PAT HINGLE plays in movies, - why, we don't see any reason at all why he can't be President. Had a great moment during a speech a few months back when he repeatedly confused BILL LANN LEE, Presidential nominee for Assistant Attorney General for Civil Rights, with WEN HO LEE, computer scientist accused but not charged with giving away nuclear secrets -and then, in vintage politico fashion, denied it ever happened. Recently bolted the GOP for some Taxpayers' party, thus cementing the reputation of third parties as havens for crackpots and cranks. When you stop and take a close look at it, you'll realize that this guy has no chance of- oh, why bother? Next!
Keyes? Please. If they handed out nominations for President based on the number of Thunderous Oratories delivered on just ONE issue, he'd be a shoo-in. This disciple of late rock 'n' roll hater ALLAN BLOOM was utterly shellacked by BARBARA MIKULSKI, has never won an election of any kind, and can look forward to living out his days being trotted out to warm up the crowd at right-wing confabs. Do I even need to tell you that this guy stands absolutely no chance of ever being elected President?
The first drop out. Call me when he starts shaving.
NOW . . . . . . Where's that Maker's Mark?
GIMME YOUR FEEDBACK!!